Red flags, deal breakers and preferences: Know your dating filters
How to identify your deal breakers, red flags and preferences
Just because you don't like something, doesn't mean it needs a red flag warning.🚩🚩🚩 Many people confuse deal breakers, red flags, and preferences. Why does it matter? If you lump them together, you might end up wasting too much time negotiating with someone who is not a good fit or passing on someone who is.
Below is a quick rundown on each and how to spot the differences:
Red flags are warnings that need immediate attention
Red flags are information or behavior that signals risk, these may require boundary setting and a quick follow-through. Usually red flags are about the behavior and not the person.
For example:
Inconsistent contact, hot-and-cold effort
Trashing exes
Being overtly sexual too soon
Not asking engaging questions or talking only about themselves
Love-bombing, future-tripping, rushing exclusivity
Poor emotional regulation, chronic lateness, blame-shifting
Divorced “recently” with no emotional processing, unclear about their dating intentions
What to do or say:
Nothing. Don't explain yourself or try to change someone. Exit the conversation at the first sign of a reg flag and move on.
Deal breakers are your personal non-negotiables
Deal breakers are values or behaviors that are a no for you, that aren't aligned with the kind of relationship you're looking for. They are more about the kind of person who you think won't be a good fit for you. Often these might be a mismatch to your values.
Deal breakers might even be preferences (such as height, if you're unwilling to budge on them, however I advise against this!).
Your deal breakers won't be the same as someone else's - that's why they are deal breakers for you.
Some examples might be:
Wants kids and you do not (or vice versa)
Too far outside of your preferred geographic range
Actively in addiction or a smoker
No commitment to personal growth or self-improvement.
What to do or say:
Don't argue. Don't try to explain yourself. Don't try to change the other person to get them to be someone they are not. Simply say something like, “Thanks for sharing that. This is not a match for me. (Or, “That is not aligned with what I am looking for.”) Good luck in your search.”
Keep it simple and straightforward and keep it moving.
Preferences are your nice-to-haves
Preferences are traits you would like to find in a partner but they are not core values. If other things aligns, you can be flexible here.
These might include:
Someone who knows the difference between “their," “there" and “they're”
City dweller versus suburban
Drives a hybrid vehicle versus a pickup truck
Finding someone who is active or likes to cook
Favorite music or sports team alignment
What to do or say:
Stay open to the idea that your “person” might not be exactly who you thought. Let substance outrank style. Look at character first. Then consider how flexible you are willing to be. You might say something like, “I prefer local, but I can flex to 45 minutes if our values and pacing align.”
Now, let’s make these easy to act on:
Red flags: Behavior problems you can say no to now.
Deal breakers: Personal non‑negotiables based on your values and life.
Preferences: Flexible bonuses that never outrank character or consistency.
Now it's your turn! What are your red flags, deal breakers and preferences?
Write them down so you'll know them when you see them.
Dating gets easier when you stop trying to be liked by everyone and start deciding if you like them, and if they are the right person for the kind of relationship you actually want.
Need help?
📋Want help sorting your list so you stop second‑guessing and start dating with confidence? Book a free call with me here and we can talk about what is holding you back from owning your deal breakers and love creators.
You've got this. 💕
