How to stop crushing and start dating
Every time I see a woman post about her “crush” on social media, I have the same reaction: A little cringe. And a lot of concern.
I get it. Crushes feel fun. They feel exciting. And I understand the appeal — they give you something to daydream about without having to do anything about it in real life. But that daydream has a cost. And most women don’t realize it until they’re deep in a fantasy that was never going anywhere.
Here’s what a dating coach will tell you about having a crush, and what I think you should do instead.
Crushes Create Imbalance
The “Threads crush” trend is a perfect example. Someone posts about a person they see online and pine over quietly. They talk about their excitement to meet in person. Or the coworker they admire from a distance. The cute guy from the park. The person whose Instagram they keep going back to.
But crushes create an imbalance from the beginning.
You’re at a Level 10 before the other person is at a Level 1.
Maybe before they even know you exist.
If you’re not actually engaging, you’re just living in a fictional romance story you’ve read over and over, where you wrote every chapter yourself, before even involving the other person in its creation.
Having a Crush Objectifies People
While crushes seem harmeless in theory, having a crush is actually placing your feelings on someone who didn’t consent to being the object of your affection.
That is a problem.
A crush turns a real human being into an object.
And we don’t date objects.
We date people.
What to Do Instead: Share. Ask. Engage.
If you actually want to be dating someone for real and not just crushing on them from a distance, here’s where to start:
Share that you’d like to get to know them better.
Ask if they would be interested in getting to know you better.
Engage with them if you are both interested in getting to know each other.
No more pining from a distance. No more running the scenario in your head on repeat without ever getting a real answer. You simply need to take the first step and say that you’re interested.
❌If They’re Not Interested: That’s Good Information
If they are not interested, that’s okay.
That is good information.
It’s not an indictment of you or your character.
And it frees you up from spending emotional energy on something that is never going to happen.
You can stop writing chapters of a story that was never going to have an ending.
✅If They Are Interested: That’s Just the Beginning
If they are interested, that doesn’t actually mean anything yet.
It just begins your journey of actually getting to know them — the good parts and the parts that might give you pause.
You have to pay attention to how they actually show up, not how you imagined they would.
You don’t put them on a pedestal.
You gather information while you are deciding whether there is something worth pursuing.
Collect Data Before Your Feelings Get Ahead of You
My whole approach to dating is built around the idea that you need to collect real data on people before your feelings get ahead of you. I call it S.L.O.W. Dating, and one of the core steps is Look and Listen: paying attention to how someone actually shows up before you decide how you feel about them.
If that resonates, grab my free S.L.O.W. Dating Framework guide — it walks you through exactly how to do this without shutting down or letting your imagination get carried away.
And if you want more dating advice you can start using today, my websiteis full of resources, tools, blog posts, and podcast appearances — each designed to help you date better on the way to a relationship you actually love. 💝Because better dating leads to better relationships.
Are you ready to stop crushing and start dating?
If you are ready to stop leaving your love life up to chemistry, luck, or chance, let’s chat.
I’d love to help you get out of the Crush Zone and into the Relationship Zone.
