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Good advice.
When a long-term friendship ends
One thing that I think doesn't get talked about enough is how women's long-term friendships can change in midlife. Broadly speaking, I think women have an idea if we have been friends with someone for 10, 20, 30, 40 years we will always be friends with them, and in the same capacity as we were before. But for so many women that just isn't the case. We might have to grieve the loss of the relationship we thought we would have with someone but also acknowledge the relationship that we do have with them, now.
What does it mean to be ‘selfish’?
What does it mean to be ‘selfish’? And why do you have to decide between being unselfish or allowing yourself to be ‘selfish’ once in a while? I would offer that maybe you don’t have to think about it in those terms. If you got rid of the word ‘selfish’ what would you put in its place instead?
Men only want ONE thing…
Raise your hand if you've ever thought, said out loud, or heard someone say, “Men only want SEX!” I see this sentiment shared online so often and it had me wondering… so what? So what if some men are only out there looking for sex? When you get upset that someone you had sex with no longer wants to date you, you completely give up your power as a woman. As Empowered Women, we don't participate in activities with other people and then get mad at them that we participated in those activities.
What are you afraid to feel?
What emotion do you avoid the most? What emotion is the hardest for you to feel? What emotion is the scariest for you? I have spent the last three years getting really intimate with emotions - mine and other peoples'. And here's the good news - emotions are not something to be afraid of. Usually, they are just our body's way of trying to help us access our inner wisdom. There is always something your emotions are trying to tell you (and it might not actually be what you think!).
I reject your rejection!
If someone ‘rejects’ us, we don't have to make it mean something about us. Often the worst part of ‘rejection’ is feeling like there is something inherently wrong with us if the other person didn't choose us for some reason. These thoughts are what fuel our hurt feelings when we think we've been rejected. You can borrow this line: I reject your rejection (of me)!
Dating apps are not the problem
I hear so many people say, “I hate dating apps!” “Dating apps suck!” “All the men/women/people on dating apps suck!" I've mumbled the same thing to myself a few times over the years. Never in the history of ever has it been easier to connect with people who are looking for love (or sex, or love + sex). Dating apps are just one way to do that. Dating apps are NOT the problem. Your thinking about using them IS.
The (other) biggest mistake you’re making in relationships
A big mistake people make in relationships: Expecting people to be different than they actually are. If you ever find yourself thinking, “They should just…” or “Why can't they just…” then that is a clue you might be thinking people should be different than they actually are. I find this applies not only to dating and partner relationships but also (especially) to long-term family and friend relationships.
The biggest mistake you’re making in new relationships
Are you someone who gets very invested in or very attached to new people quickly? I think that is a big mistake. Good relationships take time and shared experience to develop. Don’t rush into finding your next partner or bestie.
What the Little Mermaid teaches us about relationship anxiety
If you are a woman who feels anxious in dating, it's no wonder. You have been socialized for twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years to believe that your purpose in life should be to find a man to pick you. And if a man doesn't pick you, well, then… there must be something wrong with you. The Little Mermaid literally had to change everything about herself to get the guy. No wonder we feel stressed and anxious about being in a relationship.
Are you working on healing your shit?
Have you taken time off from being in a relationship to ‘work on yourself’? Doing that is great, but it is not the same as healing your shit. Neither is doing yoga, taking up a musical instrument, reading a pile of self-help books, or adopting a rescue dog. Healing your shit involves doing the work to heal your shit. It is inquisitive, personal and might feel bad before it feels good. But it is profoundly impactful.
Do you feel stuck?
Do you feel stuck? Stuck is not a feeling, it is a verb. It is a resistance to taking action that makes you uncomfortable.
Is the mother you have not the mother you wish you had?
I have been coaching a lot on the relationships we have with our mothers lately (my own included) and want to offer you the following: Most of our suffering comes from our thinking that our mothers should be different than they are. All of the things you are thinking about your mom and how she is disappointing you, hard to connect with, too demanding, too detached, not helpful enough with your kids, or how she should have done a ‘better’ job raising you — those are just thoughts. They are not facts. And they are thoughts that make us feel bad as if somehow we were cheated in the maternal lottery. But here's the thing - moms get to ‘mom’ however they see fit.
To get a direct answer, you need to ask a direct question
Do you find yourself ruminating about how someone else feels about you, what they want in a relationship with you, or why they act the way they do? If so, I have a solution for you: Ask them. If you want a direct answer you have to ask a direct question. Not a ‘beat around the bush about it' question. Not an ‘if I say this, maybe he/she will say that’ question. Not a presumptuous question. Not a leading question. Not a closed ended (yes or no) question. A direct, to the point, open-ended, tell me point blank how you feel question.
Stop Asking “What is wrong with me?”
How come when someone chooses not to be with us our first thought is always some version of “What's wrong with me?" “What did I do wrong?” or "Why doesn't he (or she) like me?”
Because as women we are socialized to think that our highest and best value comes from being chosen by another person. We think if we can get ourselves to be ‘just right’ then surely someone will love us.
But that supposes that other people get to decide who we are supposed to be in order to make them happy. This never works in the long term.
I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.
Why I am so passionate about this work
I have been married and divorced. I've done a lot of dating. And one of the themes I notice when I look back on all of that is an exorbitant amount of anxiety related to my relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or situationships. And in the last few years (since I was introduced to coaching), my anxiety about my relationships with other people has diminished tremendously and confidence in and comfort with myself has increased tenfold. I no longer get anxious if I am waiting for a text from someone I am interested in. If I have a question about the status of a relationship, I ask the person rather than conjecturing with nine of my friends. My relationship with my ex is a thousand times better than it ever was. But he didn't change. I changed. And I want this for you!
Why I don’t tell my friends about who I am dating
Do you like to tell your girlfriends about all the people you are talking to or are going on dates with - who they are, what they look like, what they do, how many kids they have, what their ex looks like, and whatever other intel you could dig up on the internet? I used to do that too. Here’s why I (mostly) stopped.
Why are we afraid of getting ‘hurt’?
We often want to protect ourselves from ‘getting hurt’ in a relationship and worry about what if things don’t work out. But here's the thing - there's no such thing as protecting ourselves from getting hurt. There's only the experience of being in relationship with other humans (both platonic and romantic). Some days those relationships might be more challenging, and some days those relationships might be more energetic or engaging, but in either case, the only way to prevent getting completely hurt is to not be in relationship with anyone at all. Having emotions along the way (both the comfortable and uncomfortable ones) is all part of the process.
How you think about conflict is wrong
Most people I coach (and know) say, “I hate conflict.” Conflict makes for great movie plot lines, but most of us spend a LOT of time trying to avoid conflict in real life. But… why?!?!
I'll tell you why: You think it is uncomfortable. And you think it means something bad has happened. Most of us don't want to have conflict with our friends, partners, spouse, coworkers, etc.
But what if I told you that approach might be making things worse?
Here's what happens when you avoid conflict: you also avoid connection.
People pleasing is a lie
People pleasing seems like the nice thing to do. But it's not nice - for you, or the person you're trying to please.
Here’s why…